


little talks

by jenovibez



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jisung needs a hug, M/M, This Is Sad, ambiguous ending, chensung - Freeform, i cried, i wrote this while i was rly sad, jaesung, possible trigger warning, they’re in college btw guys, wanted to reflect my own thoughts sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23609854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenovibez/pseuds/jenovibez
Summary: jisung writes a letter to each of his friends, counting down the days.title, inspo and some lines from the song by of monsters & men, little talks.
Relationships: Na Jaemin/Park Jisung, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	little talks

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags!  
> if some of you guys really want it, i could write the second part i thought about.

_day seven. to mark._

_hey mark. it's me, jisung. just wanted to let you know when you see this that it's all okay. i'm okay where i am. sorry i didn't tell you in advance. sorry for any spelling mistakes, this was a little hard to write._

_anyways, in your letter, i want to tell you everything you did that made me happy. just so that it doesn't feel so bad. think about these happy memories instead._

_one—the time you held my hand in the lunch hall when i was too nervous on my first day. you were always so nice to me, and made sure i was feeling okay._

_two—the time you and donghyuck sat outside the school dance with me because my date ditched me for that boy kai... remember him? hueningkai? you guys made the night better, i actually preferred you to yeojin._

_three—every single coffee or ramen date you took me on. they made my week! you made things a little more bearable when you let me spill all my feelings to you._

_and four—your high school graduation party. i remember you told me that you'd always be there for me. you were right—you were always a call away for me._

_so in short, thank you for everything._

jisung hums to himself as he rereads the letter, correcting little spelling errors he can find. his mind is cloudy, and it feels like there's a dark cloud hanging over him. 

he feels like he's being watched sometimes. he spots chenle around the corner once, but his roommate is just talking to their friend jeongin. he's too busy to notice jisung in his room. 

even when his friends are in the house, he can't help but think to himself, 'i don't like walking around this old and empty house'. because despite having three roommates, he always feels alone at the moment. 

_day six. to renjun._

_hi renjun. please don't worry about me like i know you would. you don't deserve to feel that pain or guilt. i'm alright now. my hands are a bit shaky, so please don't chide me like you normally do when i have bad handwriting._

_i wanted to tell you some of the memories you made with me that made things a little better. so that you have something happy to remember me with._

_one—our monday morning and friday evening dance practices. you used to clear out the studio so that we could have an hour or two just to ourselves. it was paradise in that quiet room._

_two—the time you took me to your dorm when chenle and our roommates were out at a party. i felt scared and lonely and you were there to pick me up and look after me._

_three—last week when we had a sing along in the bathroom with our toothbrushes. that was the happiest i'd been in weeks, and you seemed to notice i was down. you showed up and made it okay for a few hours._

_and four—the first time you met me. you made me laugh with every joke you told, and your smile lit up the world. i loved every minute of it. i'm so thankful._

_you were the best, jun. i'm so thankful._

today, jisung is tired. he had to drag himself to his desk and slap himself awake so that he can do his hyung justice. renjun deserves this. he feels cold, and wishes that renjun's smile could light up the world like it used to. 

the dorm is empty, his friends are out together and it makes jisung feel worse. it makes him feel guilty, and he thinks, 'the stairs creak as i sleep', as he imagines renjun there with him. he was so good at calming him down in scary situations. 

_day five. to jeno._

_hey jeno. i'm sorry you had to find out this way. i wanted to write to you to tell you some things you did with or for me that made life amazing. you deserve something good to remember me by. also i'm sorry for the terrible pen ink. i couldn't find a better one._

_one—that time when you came over and told me stories and cuddled me until i slept. you were the best at getting me to go to sleep, when nobody else could do it._

_two—when you took me out to get ice cream with jaemin. you two loved to spoil me with treats even if it was only you two dating. i really appreciated that, it made me feel special to you guys._

_three—when you invited me to watch your basketball game. it was so much fun. you kept smiling and laughing along with me when you saw my smile. it really was one of the best days of high school._

_and four—that time we went out late and skateboarded around with donghyuck at midnight. you being there to teach me some tricks was amazing—it was like having an older brother._

_so thank you jeno, for being there like a big brother for me._

jisung struggles to write this letter. his eyes droop closed as he signs off the letter, and he loses grip on his own. he jerks awake, looking at the terrible pink ink and feeling guilty that he didn't have the energy to find a better one. 

today, jisung is awake and writing this at three am. he sighs, and thinks to himself, 'it's keeping me awake'. his roommates are too loud, and he just can't sleep anymore.

_day four. to donghyuck._

_heya donghyuck. i just wanted to tell you that i'll be happy by the time you read this. i thought that you deserved to remember me with something happy. so i wrote all these memories of us that made life a little easier for me. sorry for my bad grammar, i'm a bit tired._

_one—that time you held me when i got dumped by jaemin. i know that it should be a sad thing, but you made it easier. you told me you were there to support me. turns out you were right._

_two—you took me out with jeno at midnight to skate. you shared your juul with me and that made my head spin. everything was funny until the morning and i laughed the whole time._

_three—we cuddled every tuesday evening before our two dorms called in a takeaway to your place. you were always the comfiest out of the group because you were always willing to hug me. it made me happy._

_and four—when you brought me to the dance studio and showed me the custom shoes you and renjun had made me. they were painted just as i'd like it. i feel like you might've known me the best._

_i'm so thankful for you donghyuck. you were amazing._

jisung is exhausted by the day it's time to write donghyuck's letter. weeks and months of struggle have built up and he can't be bothered to leave bed. so he writes donghyuck's letter laying down, half asleep and hungry. he doesn't leave his room that day. 

the though of 'and some days i can't even dress myself' plays across his mind. he's spiralling, and he's got no energy left to fight it. he's struggling the worst in months, and he's worried he won't make it long enough. 

_day three. to jaemin._

_hi jaemin. i'm truly sorry that you have to read this. you don't have to worry about me though. i'll be happy by the time you read this. you deserve to know that. sorry for the ripped paper—i didn't have any more._

_i wanted to write this to leave you with some of our happiest memories. they always made life better. i'm so thankful for you._

_one—the day you asked me out. you were so pretty that day, and i regret not asking you sooner. our time together might've stretched out longer. you lit up my world as soon as you asked the question._

_two—our date to the seaside on your eighteenth birthday. that was the day we had our first kiss. i remember complimenting you on your new hoodie and saying it should be mine you're wearing. i miss that smile i felt when you agreed._

_three—when you hugged me after my first breakdown. it might seem like that would be a bad memory, but you were so amazing to me that anytime i used to remember it, i felt a tiny bit better._

_and four—the day i saw you again. a year after our breakup. you were dating jeno now, but that doesn't matter. jeno was too close to lose over you. you made me smile without trying. i loved it so much._

this is one of the hardest letters for jisung to write. there's so much emotion riding behind it that he accidentally rips some of it from how hard he's gripping it. his eyes are watering the whole time, and he just desperately wants the pain to stop. 

his thoughts are dwindling rapidly, but he can think of one thing while writing jaemin's letter. 'the screams all sound the same'. his mind is numb and everything has faded into one drawn out cry for help. he hides in his arms and falls asleep on his desk today. 

_day two. to chenle._

_hey chenle. my best friend. i'm sorry you have to find out this way. i'm okay, i promise. i'll be happy when you read this. i'm sorry i'm advance for my smudged ink. this was a bit hard to write. i thought that i'd tell you some memories of us that made life worth living at the time._

_one—the day i met you. you were so kind and bubbly and you made me laugh and smile then and forever. you were one of the best people in my life. you could cheer me up when renjun and donghyuck failed. every time you played a prank on me, no matter how angry i acted, i promise i was happy deep down because you made me smile._

_two—when you took me out to the arcade because jaemin broke up with me. we spent hours wasting our change trying to win pointless toys, but it doesn't even matter because it was so much fun. you were the best at making me happy out of all of them. i wish i could've done more for you, like you deserved._

_three—when we had a movie night because the dorm was empty and you wanted to hang out instead of go to eunsang's party. we binged shitty horror films and ate treats until sunrise when jeongin and taehyun dragged themselves home._

_and four—the day you told me that you would always be there for me. i cant tell you how happy that made me, even if you didn't stay true to it in the end. i know that we fell out over me dating jaemin, but i wish i could've spent more time with you or done something to make you happy for once._

_i'm really sorry chenle. i wish i could've made you happier like you'd done so with me. i know that it's too late, but if it's worth anything... i loved you. i really really loved you and i'm so sorry. you were the best to me, and i wish i did more._

_jisungie_

jisung's body is racked with sobs as he signs off the letter with chenle's favourite nickname for him. his mind is numb, but his heart still feels a pang of guilt and pain when he thinks about his roommate. chenle has asked him what's wrong already, but he just said he was stressed. now he feels guilty about lying to chenle on what is the last day they could hang out together. 

he can't stop thinking today—he doesn't know if he'll regret his decisions, but he's so numb and in pain that he just wants the escape. 'i watched you disappear', he thinks as he watches chenle loiter in his doorway before fumbling with his key and entering his own room. 

he wishes he could've done more. 

_day one. to me._

_to me. don’t listen to a word i say._

_i want to write down my thoughts so that i can see them. i want to see how crazy i sound. i'm going to write down everything i'm feeling._

_i feel guilty. i've lied to all of my best friends even though they said that they'd be there for me no matter what. i feel guilty that i thought i could handle myself, and now i cant stop lying to them. i don't understand why i keep lying. maybe it's my own death wish._

_i feel tired. i’m always just lying in bed, and i keep dozing in and out of consciousness, but when i need to sleep, my mind is so plagued with painful thoughts that i can’t even do that._

_i feel cold. my fingers and toes have been freezing since last week. i stopped moving from bed, so i guess the fact that i'm so tall didn't play in my favour. my whole body is getting chills, so i always have to wear at lest three layers. it's miserable._

_i feel numb. my mind is so busy yet so empty and i just wanted the pain to stop. it did, but now there's just numbness. this almost feels worse. i just want everything to stop. please._

_i feel ugly. i looked in the mirror, the other day. my cheekbones and collarbones are prominent and my eyes are sunken. there are dark circles under my eyes, because no matter how tired i am, i cant stop thinking long enough to fall asleep._

_i feel sick. my stomach always hurts, and there's a terrible headache at the back of my head. i want it to stop. i feel sick. i threw up the other day despite me only having eaten an apple prior. i feel terrible._

_i feel sorry. sorry to all my friends and family that i have to let find out. i’ll miss you. i just want to feel okay. it’s painful and loud and numb all the time and i’m so so lonely. i miss the old me._

_i feel lost. i want someone to save me, because i know that if nobody does, i’m going to leave you all. please, someone help me._

__


End file.
